| Aug. 7th, 2005 @ 06:56 pm Shared Thoughts |
|---|
Current Mood:  thoughtful
As much as I adore making icons and brushes lately I have been feeling little inspiration. I think this comes from having my mind on other things. With the release of HBP I've returned to RPing, though that looks like it isn't going to last. I promised myself only one site, and that one site is dead now. It was fun for the few days it lasted, and it did prompt some of my best icons yet. I should post them come to think of it. That's the thing with RPing. It sucks you in until you can't live without it, but sites never last and you just move to the next hoping things will be different. They never are, and you end up with 100+ sites and nothing but a few posts you thought were the best things ever at the time to show for it. Oh, and a couple of good friends. Maybe those friends makes it all worth it? Who knows?
I've also rediscovered my love of fanfic. I'm writing actively again. This is mainly because I was invited to a new site, Wizard Tales. It really is the best fanfiction site I've ever been on, Roswell Fanatics excluded. But it's not just the fanfic that has me inspired. WizardTales has a great forum and a great chat. For the first time in the HP fandom I feel like I am involved. I'm not an outsider any longer. It's great.
I've made the decision to become more active on LJ as well. Before I just looked at it as a fun place to share my creations, but now I see the appeal of getting involved with other users who share my interests. My goal is to meet new people and have a friends list that goes beyond two people. My other goal is to comment more. I find I seldom have the time and it's only because I don't make commenting a priority. I shall fix this.
So that takes care of all my online stuff. As for as RL goes, things have been really boring. And I'm not saying this like it's a bad thing, because it's not. When I left school it was with the intention of taking some time off from life and that's what I've done. I've probably ignored my friends more than I should, but I couldn't help it. It's hard to have me time when I'm worrying about returning phone calls, text messages, emails, and IMs. It isn't that I don't love my friends beyond words, because I do, it's just that I'm not in a good place and hearing them go on and on about how great their lives are is not the best way to return to a good place.
My first loan payment is due the 17th of this month. My parents have given me the money as I was afraid they would. I'm not complaining. I wouldn't have been able to pay it had they not, it's just how am I ever supposed to take responsibility if they keep bailing me out? And it's not like I ask them to do it. I don't! They just love me so much that they do it on their own. I guess if them loving me too much is all I have to complain about I need to shut up, but it's the story of my life.
I must get a job! I know I could spend this year doing what I'm doing and I would be happy with that, but it's not healthy. I need to be out there in the real world, not hiding in my room pretending to be a reclusive artist. I need to admit I'm just a hermit, and that has nothing to do with art. I see all my friends going on with their lives and I'm stuck just being the same old Cassie, which I don't mind, because I'm happy being me for now, but is this really what I want to do for the rest of my life? No, it's not. There's more out there that I want to experience. Plus, my hair products alone take more money than I'm willing for my parents to give. And that isn't even mentioning make-up, clothes, and shoes. Oh yeah, and little things called my car, insurance, and cell phone.
I need to start taking my meds again. I start taking them and I think hey, I'm all better, so I go off, and then BAM! I'm right back to being a depressed, sulky, irritated, neurotic bitch without them. The only problem with this is that the doctor I go to tries to force me to go to therapy in order to get my prescription. I don't need therapy! I know the correct way to think, I know what I should do, it's doing it that's the problem.
I don't need someone telling me to be strong and drive even though I want to retch at the thought. I don't need someone telling me it's not normal to think of all the ways my every action can lead to something bad. I do that to myself enough as it is. This isn't a problem that can be fixed by words. I truly believe it is just part of my genetic make-up, a chemical problem in my brain. The only thing that helps is medication. Why can't my doctor realize the same thing?!
My mother has mentioned going to a doctor who's known to prescribe Prozac like candy. I've been resisting b/c I know this is wrong, but I'm thinking about just giving in. He has what I need, what I know is right for me, so why not just go and get it? I'm going to stop now. I've ranted more than I should. It's just nice to have a place to rant. I wish I could write like this when working on the last chapter of Ask Me to Stay, lol. Maybe then I could finally be finished with the horrid thing.
-Cass |
|  |
![[info]](http://p-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
cassie47's journal
relieved
sleepy
anxious
blank
